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BLYoshi
07-01-2015, 04:05 PM
It all started when our adventure-loving...adventurer, BLYoshi, woke up in a disease-infested jungle. It was the ninth time it had happened. Feeling ridiculously concerned, BLYoshi grabbed a ninja star, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Happy as a frickin' monkey, he realized that his beloved coconut was missing! Immediately he called his redheaded stepchild of a 'friend', Freesamples. BLYoshi had known Freesamples for (plus or minus) 20 years, the majority of which were enticing ones. Freesamples was unique. He was ingenious though sometimes a little... oafish. BLYoshi called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Freesamples picked up to a very unctuous BLYoshi. Freesamples calmly assured him that most venomous koalas yawn before mating, yet man-eating capybaras usually surreptitiously cringe *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting BLYoshi. Why was Freesamples trying to distract BLYoshi? Because he had snuck out from BLYoshi's with the coconut only three days prior. It was a enchanting little coconut... how could he resist?

It didn't take long before BLYoshi got back to the subject at hand: his coconut. Freesamples sighed. Relunctantly, Freesamples invited him over, assuring him they'd find the coconut. BLYoshi grabbed his giraffe and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Freesamples realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the coconut and he had to do it carefully. He figured that if BLYoshi took the time machine, he had take at least seven minutes before BLYoshi would get there. But if he took the Segway? Then Freesamples would be abundantly screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Freesamples was interrupted by seven pestering Giraffes that were lured by his coconut. Freesamples sneezed; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling angered, he aimlessly reached for his dull pencil and aimlessly deflowered every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the bush, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Segway rolling up. It was BLYoshi.

----o0o----

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Big Lots to pick up a 12-pack of bananas, so he knew he was running late. With a skillful leap, BLYoshi was out of the Segway and went scandalously jaunting toward Freesamples's front door. Meanwhile inside, Freesamples was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the coconut into a box of dull pencils and then slid the box behind his whale. Freesamples was stunned but at least the coconut was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Freesamples scandalously purred. With a quick push, BLYoshi opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some funny-smelling self-righteous ass in a hippie-pleasing hybrid vehicle,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Freesamples assured him. BLYoshi took a seat right next to where Freesamples had hidden the coconut. Freesamples yawned trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But BLYoshi was distracted. In a tragically predictable turn of events, Freesamples noticed a dimwitted look on BLYoshi's face. BLYoshi slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Freesamples felt a stabbing pain in his double chin when BLYoshi asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the coconut right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A dimwitted look started to form on BLYoshi's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's ripened avocados from when she used to have pet disease-carrying chipmunks. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. BLYoshi nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Freesamples could react, BLYoshi skillfully lunged toward the box and opened it. The coconut was plainly in view.

BLYoshi stared at Freesamples for what what must've been eleven nanoseconds. Like a drunken sailor at happy hour, Freesamples groped earnestly in BLYoshi's direction, clearly desperate. BLYoshi grabbed the coconut and bolted for the door. It was locked. Freesamples let out a saucy chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, BLYoshi,' he rebuked. Freesamples always had been a little funny-smelling, so BLYoshi knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Freesamples did something crazy, like... start chucking wolverines at him or something. A few freaknasty minutes later, he gripped his coconut tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Freesamples looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from BLYoshi. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame six days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for BLYoshi. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Freesamples walked over to the window and looked down. BLYoshi was gone.

----o0o----

Just yonder, BLYoshi was struggling to make his way through the fanstic pumpkin patch behind Freesamples's place. BLYoshi had severely hurt his shin during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Giraffes suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the coconut. One by one they latched on to BLYoshi. Already weakened from his injury, BLYoshi yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Giraffes running off with his coconut.

About two hours later, BLYoshi awoke, his double chin throbbing. It was dark and BLYoshi did not know where he was. Deep in the enchanting magical cornfield, BLYoshi was ridiculously lost. Absolutely thrilled, he remembered that his coconut was taken by the Giraffes. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a teensy Giraffe emerged from the disease-infested jungle. It was the alpha Giraffe. BLYoshi opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the Giraffe sunk its teeth into BLYoshi's armpit. With a faint groan, the life escaped from BLYoshi's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.

Less than seven miles away, Freesamples was entombed by anguish over the loss of the coconut. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened ninja star. With a careful thrust, he buried it deeply into his ear. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about BLYoshi... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the coconut that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant Giraffes, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(

^^
Internet+Random=Story

hodotd
07-01-2015, 04:35 PM
82463

"nicely done, NIIICELY done."

|ThyLuigi|
07-01-2015, 05:12 PM
It all started when our adventure-loving...adventurer, BLYoshi, woke up in a disease-infested jungle. It was the ninth time it had happened. Feeling ridiculously concerned, BLYoshi grabbed a ninja star, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Happy as a frickin' monkey, he realized that his beloved coconut was missing! Immediately he called his redheaded stepchild of a 'friend', Freesamples. BLYoshi had known Freesamples for (plus or minus) 20 years, the majority of which were enticing ones. Freesamples was unique. He was ingenious though sometimes a little... oafish. BLYoshi called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Freesamples picked up to a very unctuous BLYoshi. Freesamples calmly assured him that most venomous koalas yawn before mating, yet man-eating capybaras usually surreptitiously cringe *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting BLYoshi. Why was Freesamples trying to distract BLYoshi? Because he had snuck out from BLYoshi's with the coconut only three days prior. It was a enchanting little coconut... how could he resist?

It didn't take long before BLYoshi got back to the subject at hand: his coconut. Freesamples sighed. Relunctantly, Freesamples invited him over, assuring him they'd find the coconut. BLYoshi grabbed his giraffe and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Freesamples realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the coconut and he had to do it carefully. He figured that if BLYoshi took the time machine, he had take at least seven minutes before BLYoshi would get there. But if he took the Segway? Then Freesamples would be abundantly screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Freesamples was interrupted by seven pestering Giraffes that were lured by his coconut. Freesamples sneezed; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling angered, he aimlessly reached for his dull pencil and aimlessly deflowered every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the bush, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Segway rolling up. It was BLYoshi.

----o0o----

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Big Lots to pick up a 12-pack of bananas, so he knew he was running late. With a skillful leap, BLYoshi was out of the Segway and went scandalously jaunting toward Freesamples's front door. Meanwhile inside, Freesamples was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the coconut into a box of dull pencils and then slid the box behind his whale. Freesamples was stunned but at least the coconut was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Freesamples scandalously purred. With a quick push, BLYoshi opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some funny-smelling self-righteous ass in a hippie-pleasing hybrid vehicle,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Freesamples assured him. BLYoshi took a seat right next to where Freesamples had hidden the coconut. Freesamples yawned trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But BLYoshi was distracted. In a tragically predictable turn of events, Freesamples noticed a dimwitted look on BLYoshi's face. BLYoshi slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Freesamples felt a stabbing pain in his double chin when BLYoshi asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the coconut right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A dimwitted look started to form on BLYoshi's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's ripened avocados from when she used to have pet disease-carrying chipmunks. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. BLYoshi nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Freesamples could react, BLYoshi skillfully lunged toward the box and opened it. The coconut was plainly in view.

BLYoshi stared at Freesamples for what what must've been eleven nanoseconds. Like a drunken sailor at happy hour, Freesamples groped earnestly in BLYoshi's direction, clearly desperate. BLYoshi grabbed the coconut and bolted for the door. It was locked. Freesamples let out a saucy chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, BLYoshi,' he rebuked. Freesamples always had been a little funny-smelling, so BLYoshi knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Freesamples did something crazy, like... start chucking wolverines at him or something. A few freaknasty minutes later, he gripped his coconut tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Freesamples looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from BLYoshi. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame six days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for BLYoshi. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Freesamples walked over to the window and looked down. BLYoshi was gone.

----o0o----

Just yonder, BLYoshi was struggling to make his way through the fanstic pumpkin patch behind Freesamples's place. BLYoshi had severely hurt his shin during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Giraffes suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the coconut. One by one they latched on to BLYoshi. Already weakened from his injury, BLYoshi yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Giraffes running off with his coconut.

About two hours later, BLYoshi awoke, his double chin throbbing. It was dark and BLYoshi did not know where he was. Deep in the enchanting magical cornfield, BLYoshi was ridiculously lost. Absolutely thrilled, he remembered that his coconut was taken by the Giraffes. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a teensy Giraffe emerged from the disease-infested jungle. It was the alpha Giraffe. BLYoshi opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the Giraffe sunk its teeth into BLYoshi's armpit. With a faint groan, the life escaped from BLYoshi's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.

Less than seven miles away, Freesamples was entombed by anguish over the loss of the coconut. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened ninja star. With a careful thrust, he buried it deeply into his ear. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about BLYoshi... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the coconut that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant Giraffes, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(

^^
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