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Sk8ter
11-17-2015, 01:25 AM
In my AP World History class we are required to take an essay, along with an exam, at the end of the semester. The teacher was nice enough to give us the topic of our essay early so we could study. I decided to take practice a step further and actually put together my essay so I could relax for the next couple of weeks. I would like someone to judge my essay...preferably someone who knows what they're doing.:D Keep in mind that this is the format we have to write in and we only get forty minutes to write the essay so I tried not to include extended details or cheat by looking in my textbook. I tried to make this as realistic as possible. (It's a pretty short essay but this is all that is required for the first essay.)

Topic: Analyze similarities and differences in methods of political control in TWO of the following empires in the Classical Period.

*Han China (206 B.C.E.- 220 C.E.)
Mauryan/Gupta India (320 B.C.E.- 550 C.E.)
*Imperial Rome (31 B.C.E.- 476 C.E.)

While both Han China and Imperial Rome were monarchies and had patriarchal societies, Han China believed in divine favor while Imperial Rome did not, and Imperial Rome had many slaves which Han China did not.

Both Han China and Imperial Rome were monarchies because they both had emperors. The first emperor of Imperial Rome, Augustus, unified Rome through military power. The first emperor of Han China called himself Liu Bang and conquered China by overthrowing the Qin dynasty ruler. They both also had patriarchy in society. In Imperial Rome, women had to do household jobs and take care of children. In Han China, men did all of the work because women were viewed as inferior to men; Confucianism stated that women were inferior to men.

While Imperial Rome had many slaves, Han China did not. Due to the fact that Rome captured many others cities/states through conquests, foreigners were often brought back and sold into slavery. They were needed for manual labor. In Han China, peasants did most of the work. Only about 1% of Han China's population were slaves.

While in Han China there was a major belief in divine favor, Imperial Rome did not. In Han China, the Mandate of Heaven played a major role in the choosing of the emperors. They thought the gods chose the emperors to lead China and removed them from their leadership when not pleased with the the emperor's work. Rather than just believing in an emperor's rule, Imperial Rome had a Republican society of Senate which governed the states.

JOSHIE63
11-17-2015, 01:37 AM
The points could be elaborated upon — in only a case where there is no maximum length. Also, the transition from point to point is choppy and sounds forced. I could point out parts where it is if necessary.

Sk8ter
11-17-2015, 01:46 AM
It's to short. You call that an essay? I call that laziness. At my old school you would get a fail if you wrote less than three pages.

The teacher specified NOT TO write more than one page because in the real exam/essay you only get a limited amount of time. I tried to simplify the facts and details to avoid this. I really could go on and on about emperor Shihuangdi and his downfall and how Confucianism impacted China while Greek rationalism influenced Imperial Rome and slave rebellions and yadayadayada.

- - - Updated - - -


The points could be elaborated upon — in only a case where there is no maximum length. Also, the transition from point to point is choppy and sounds forced. I could point out parts where it is if necessary.

The format in which we were instructed to use consists of the "choppy transitions." Our outline is literally just made to get to the point. For example: While both ________ and ________ were ________, ________ had ________ while _______ did not ________, and ________ was _______ while ________ was not. This was pretty much the whole introductory paragraph.
Anyway, it would help if you could point out the parts that need improvement, I'll see what I can do about it.

Megazork
11-17-2015, 01:51 AM
It's to short. You call that an essay? I call that laziness. At my old school you would get a fail if you wrote less than three pages.

Quality over quantity. No amount of lengthy, drawn-out pages of text can ever compare to a concisely written paragraph that answers the prompt.

He has the meat of the essay, just needs a little commentary.

KKcupcake
11-17-2015, 01:57 AM
It's to short. You call that an essay? I call that laziness. At my old school you would get a fail if you wrote less than three pages.

That was the required amount. Read the OP's post properly, besides from what I can see, OP's essay has the main information and key points. It is quality over quantity.

ShadowSURF3R
11-17-2015, 02:17 AM
Your thesis is pretty good, but just keep in mind that for the exam your thesis could make or break you. They see it as the most important part of the essay and if it isn't clear and detailed then you will lose MANY points on your overall grade.

I feel like you could change up and also expand some of your major points. Here are some things you could possibly add:
- Know that Rome and Han both had bureaucracies and Han's bureaucrats were tested based on Confucianism, while Rome's bureaucrats were chosen based on family relations.
- China, Rome, and Persia built roads/walls/other infrastructure for military needs.
- The end of Rome, China, and Gupta were all caused by invasions (mostly by Huns).
- Rome (at first) was not open to different religions (they tried to cut-out religion altogether and punished early Christians and Jews - Diaspora), and Han was not very open to religion either (especially Buddhism).

I'd also completely scratch your sentences on slavery. It's not a very easy topic to talk about since there isn't much to elaborate on. It's a good topic, but I'd use your time on a different topic that you can include more details on.

Good luck with AP... it just gets harder from here. :sweat drop:



Quality over quantity. No amount of lengthy, drawn-out pages of text can ever compare to a concisely written paragraph that answers the prompt.

He has the meat of the essay, just needs a little commentary.
Completely agree. Especially for an AP Exam essay, the graders are looking for you to answer the prompt clearly and with evidence to support your thesis, and if you do that, length will not matter.

Sk8ter
11-17-2015, 02:34 AM
Your thesis is pretty good, but just keep in mind that for the exam your thesis could make or break you. They see it as the most important part of the essay and if it isn't clear and detailed then you will lose MANY points on your overall grade.

I feel like you could change up and also expand some of your major points. Here are some things you could possibly add:
- Know that Rome and Han both had bureaucracies and Han's bureaucrats were tested based on Confucianism, while Rome's bureaucrats were chosen based on family relations.
- China, Rome, and Persia built roads/walls/other infrastructure for military needs.
- The end of Rome, China, and Gupta were all caused by invasions (mostly by Huns).
- Rome (at first) was not open to different religions (they tried to cut-out religion altogether and punished early Christians and Jews - Diaspora), and Han was not very open to religion either (especially Buddhism).

I'd also completely scratch your sentences on slavery. It's not a very easy topic to talk about since there isn't much to elaborate on. It's a good topic, but I'd use your time on a different topic that you can include more details on.

Good luck with AP... it just gets harder from here. :sweatdrop:

I see your point on the slavery part. As for everything else, it would be much too complicated to fit it into a few sentences. I appreciate the feedback though.

And I just searched up the grading scale the judges will you use and I could fit in one thing for each section, minus two for historical evidence; I only found five but that's the minimum you could have to get credit.

I get the impression that you already took AP World
:whistling:

JOSHIE63
11-17-2015, 02:35 AM
While both Han China and Imperial Rome were monarchies and had patriarchal societies, Han China believed in divine favor while Imperial Rome did not, (1) and Imperial Rome had many slaves which Han China (2)did not.

Both Han China and Imperial Rome were monarchies because they both had emperors. The first emperor of Imperial Rome, Augustus, unified Rome through military power. The first emperor of Han China (3)called himself Liu Bang and conquered China by overthrowing the Qin dynasty ruler. They both also had patriarchy in society. In Imperial Rome, women had to do household jobs and take care of children. In Han China, men did all of the work because women were viewed as inferior to men; Confucianism stated that women were inferior to men.

While Imperial Rome had many slaves, Han China did not. Due to the fact that Rome captured many others cities/states through conquests, foreigners were often brought back and sold into slavery. (4)They were needed for manual labor. In Han China, peasants did most of the work. Only about 1% of Han China's population were slaves.

While in Han China there was a major belief in divine favor, Imperial Rome did not. In Han China, the Mandate of Heaven played a major role in the choosing of the emperors. They thought the gods chose the emperors to lead China and removed them from their leadership when not pleased with the the emperor's work. Rather than just believing in an emperor's rule, Imperial Rome had a Republican society of Senate which governed the states.

(1) run-on sentence
(2) contradicts the statement "only 1% of China's population were slaves"
(3) poor word choice (unless it was a nickname)
(4) could be combined into a compound sentence

I am not so sure about these corrections as far as accurate content more than clarity and fewer solecisms. I know I may have underachieved proofreading it — I peer evaluate English papers a lot for word choice, solecism, and clarity — simply because I do not know the specified format the teacher entertains or the grammatical accuracy. Simple subject-verb agreement errors and other mistakes not worth mentioning were present, but not necessary to point out in a social studies paper. However, if you would like me to evaluate it that way, I am more than willing to help out.

Sk8ter
11-17-2015, 03:01 AM
(1) run-on sentence
(2) contradicts the statement "only 1% of China's population were slaves"
(3) poor word choice (unless it was a nickname)
(4) could be combined into a compound sentence

I am not so sure about these corrections as far as accurate content more than clarity and fewer solecisms. I know I may have underachieved proofreading it — I peer evaluate English papers a lot for word choice, solecism, and clarity — simply because I do not know the specified format the teacher entertains or the grammatical accuracy. Simple subject-verb agreement errors and other mistakes not worth mentioning were present, but not necessary to point out in a social studies paper. However, if you would like me to evaluate it that way, I am more than willing to help out.

(1) The run on sentence was part of the outline, I don't know why but that's the way it was set up.
(2) China did not have many slaves.
(3) Yeah I'll tidy that up.
(4) I'll tidy that up too.

Thanks! I'm sure I just need to practice my essay skills. As you mentioned, the grammatical errors are not as important in a social studies paper. It's fine as long as the teacher can understand it.

Related to your corrections, I need to work on my subject verb agreement and grammar. I guess it's noticeable that English not my first language. :sweatdrop:

JOSHIE63
11-17-2015, 03:03 AM
(1) The run on sentence was part of the outline, I don't know why but that's the way it was set up.
(2) China did not have many slaves.
(3) Yeah I'll tidy that up.
(4) I'll tidy that up too.

Thanks! I'm sure I just need to practice my essay skills. As you mentioned, the grammatical errors are not as important in a social studies paper. It's fine as long as the teacher can understand it.

Related to your corrections, I need to work on my subject verb agreement and grammar. I guess it's noticeable that English not my first language. :sweatdrop:

Sorry, I misread that Imperial Rome had many slaves while Han did not.

R.V.
11-17-2015, 05:36 AM
*Han China (206 B.C.E.- 220 C.E.)
Mauryan/Gupta India (320 B.C.E.- 550 C.E.)
*Imperial Rome (31 B.C.E.- 476 C.E.)

While both Han China and Imperial Rome were monarchies and had patriarchal societies, Han China believed in divine favor while Imperial Rome did not, and Imperial Rome had many slaves which Han China did not.

Both Han China and Imperial Rome were monarchies because they both had emperors. The first emperor of Imperial Rome, Augustus, unified Rome through military power. The first emperor of Han China called himself Liu Bang and conquered China by overthrowing the Qin dynasty ruler. They both also had patriarchy in society. In Imperial Rome, women had to do household jobs and take care of children. In Han China, men did all of the work because women were viewed as inferior to men; Confucianism stated that women were inferior to men.

While Imperial Rome had many slaves, Han China did not. Due to the fact that Rome captured many others cities/states through conquests, foreigners were often brought back and sold into slavery. They were needed for manual labor. In Han China, peasants did most of the work. Only about 1% of Han China's population were slaves.

While in Han China there was a major belief in divine favor, Imperial Rome did not. In Han China, the Mandate of Heaven played a major role in the choosing of the emperors. They thought the gods chose the emperors to lead China and removed them from their leadership when not pleased with the the emperor's work. Rather than just believing in an emperor's rule, Imperial Rome had a Republican society of Senate which governed the states.

I have done my corrections that I think could be revised to run more smoothly in bold. You do not need to use these at all, this is just my own opinion. Also you have used wayyyyyyy to many "While's" in this, consider removing a few or changing them. A problem most writers have (Including I) is our writing style is quite repetitive, I have tried not to be repetitive in my response but they probably are. It's nice to use different forms of transitions for sentences.

While both Han China and Imperial Rome were monarchies and had patriarchal societies, Han China believed in divine favor while Imperial Rome did not, and Imperial Rome had many slaves which Han China did not.

Rewritten: While both Han China and Imperial Rome were monarchies and had patriarchal societies, Han China believed in Divine favor whereas Imperial Rome did not, also, unlike Han China, Imperial Rome did not have very many slaves.

Both Han China and Imperial Rome were monarchies because they both had emperors.
Very broad first sentence in my opinion.
The first emperor of Imperial Rome, Augustus, unified Rome through military power. The first emperor of Han China called himself Liu Bang and conquered China by overthrowing the Qin dynasty ruler. They both also had patriarchy in society. In Imperial Rome, women had to do household jobs and take care of (the) children. In Han China, men did all of the work because women were viewed as inferior to men; Confucianism stated that women were inferior to men.

While Imperial Rome had many slaves, Han China did not. Due to the fact that Rome captured many others cities/states through conquests, foreigners were often brought back and sold into slavery.
(Due to the fact that Rome conquered many other cities and states and then sold the foreigners into slavery, Imperial Rome had many slaves in comparison to Han China. The)

They were needed for manual labor.
(Not really needed we know slaves are meant for manual labor unless your teacher is one of those teachers that says to pretend like I don't know anything. In that case I would bring this in more smoothly and place this towards the front.

In Han China, peasants did most of the work. Only about 1% of Han China's population were slaves.
Due to the fact that peasants did most of the work in Han China, only about one percent of the population were slaves.

While in Han China there was a major belief in divine favor, Imperial Rome did not.
A major belief for Han China was divine favor, but this was not so with Imperial Rome.

Too lazy to finish I have my own homework to get to now. Hope you are having fun in AP classes. On of my goals is to graduate with a 4.5 GPA or higher which of course is only feasible by taking AP classes.:cry:
In Han China, the Mandate of Heaven played a major role in the choosing of the emperors. They thought the gods chose the emperors to lead China and removed them from their leadership when not pleased with the the emperor's work. Rather than just believing in an emperor's rule, Imperial Rome had a Republican society of Senate which governed the states