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View Full Version : The Odd Bunch [STORY] [Part 1]



GummiBear64
12-21-2015, 02:31 PM
Hello, my name is Hiro. It may be hard to believe, but I haven't always been this attractive, black haired, six foot, Japanese man. No, long long ago back in 1937, I was a Samurai Warrior. Wait, I'm skipping too ahead. First, we must start at the beginning, in the year 2023.

"Hiro," my friend said as he shook me from my slumber. "Wake up, the boss is coming."
"Huh," I grunted as I tried to force myself awake. "What time is it, Avo?"
"It's 1:37, you've been asleep for two hours." Avo explained.
"Avo, I got no sleep last night. My dogs would not stop barking." I said as I pushed my glasses back on my nose. "And my father wouldn't give me time off work."
"That's because you don't need it. You need money, so you need to work." My father said as he snuck up behind me. "Now, as your boss, and not your father, I order you to get back to work."
"Yes father," I say full of gloom. "Back to facing my computer in this cramp cubicle. I wish something interesting would happen."
"Hiro, have you noticed anything different with your father today?" Avo asked.
"No, why? He still hasn't grown any hair, sometimes I feel as if that bald patch is blinding me. He hasn't grown either, still six foot seven. Oh wait, he had blue contacts in, didn't he?" I asked as I remember seeing different coloured eyes.
"Ah, that's what it was, I couldn't put my finger on it. Why didn't he like his brown eyes?" Avo wondered.
"My mother had brown eyes. He still hasn't gotten over her death last year." I explained pushing my glasses back once again. "He says he doesn't forgive himself."
"Surely it wasn't all his fault." Avo said as he gave his hair a quick combover so it stopped covering his green eyes. "I understand that there were other people whom were a part of it too, were there not?"
"Do you think my father would believe that? You know how stubborn he is, Avo. Now he wants me to take over the company and follow in his footsteps because he believes that Kayoko needs to fulfil our mother's legacy." I explained to Avo for the tenth time since my mother passed.

My mother was a nice, caring woman. She had long, luscious, brown hair, was five foot three and had brown eyes. She used to always wear this specific plain blue headband every day for no apparent reason and now Kayoko wears it, which makes her look the exact same as her mother. My mother was CEO of a multi billionaire research facility. I never found out what went on in there, but I was soon to find out.
Little did I know, it would change heaps of lives as well, and they weren't only the people I cared about.

Mark Chong
12-21-2015, 03:19 PM
Research facility=Time travelling machine?
Looking forward to part 2

GummiBear64
12-21-2015, 03:24 PM
Research facility=Time travelling machine?
Looking forward to part 2

I'm not spoiling anything.
This part would've been longer but it's 2:30 and I'm tired ok, thanks.

JOSHIE63
12-22-2015, 01:50 AM
It is a great concept, but the tenses of the flashback? and excerpts from the raconteur — or so I am assuming — are quite trite and prosaic. Perhaps it is just me, but I feel as if there is a better way to incorporate the notes of the narrator. That is just me being opinionated and over-analytical.

GummiBear64
12-22-2015, 02:11 AM
It is a great concept, but the tenses of the flashback? and excerpts from the raconteur — or so I am assuming — are quite trite and prosaic. Perhaps it is just me, but I feel as if there is a better way to incorporate the notes of the narrator. That is just me being opinionated and over-analytical.

I plan on making it so it seems as if the narrator, so in this case, Hiro, is the one telling the story. This story will be written in the perspective of multiple people and I feel as if this was the best way to do it.
I understand the whole narrator aspect of the story seems dull and boring but I could not think of another way to do it without it seeming even more forced than it is now.

I appreciate your opinion and I'll try to take it into consideration with part two, just bare in mind that this story was written at two in the morning so there probably was an easier way to do the whole narrative aspect of the story which I did not think of and am willing to take in any ideas you have.

Spit
12-22-2015, 02:12 AM
TL ;DR

Linkoftime
12-22-2015, 02:22 AM
If its the Odd bunch where the hell are you then?!?

JOSHIE63
12-22-2015, 02:23 AM
I plan on making it so it seems as if the narrator, so in this case, Hiro, is the one telling the story. This story will be written in the perspective of multiple people and I feel as if this was the best way to do it.
I understand the whole narrator aspect of the story seems dull and boring but I could not think of another way to do it without it seeming even more forced than it is now.

I appreciate your opinion and I'll try to take it into consideration with part two, just bare in mind that this story was written at two in the morning so there probably was an easier way to do the whole narrative aspect of the story which I did not think of and am willing to take in any ideas you have.

Narrative writing is never wrong contextually. I may be more interested and therefore more critical about writing, but that does not mean my opinion is law. Had I known that multiple narrators would be telling/retelling the story, I probably would have subsided in the blight that was the input.

Keep going, and by no means change the way you write for a few individuals! Even I ignore my English teacher's reccomendations in spite of my own, for they sometimes take away or mar the flow of my writing style.

GummiBear64
12-22-2015, 02:33 AM
If its the Odd bunch where the hell are you then?!?
It was the first name that I thought of. I wish I thought of a better one but now it's too late to change it.

Narrative writing is never wrong contextually. I may be more interested and therefore more critical about writing, but that does not mean my opinion is law. Had I known that multiple narrators would be telling/retelling the story, I probably would have subsided in the blight that was the input.

Keep going, and by no means change the way you write for a few individuals! Even I ignore my English teacher's reccomendations in spite of my own, for they sometimes take away or mar the flow of my writing style.

The one thing I have heaps of trouble with is finding the perfect place to describe someone. I am somewhat good at describing people but I cannot, for the life of me, find the right place to describe them.

JOSHIE63
12-22-2015, 05:03 AM
It was the first name that I thought of. I wish I thought of a better one but now it's too late to change it.


The one thing I have heaps of trouble with is finding the perfect place to describe someone. I am somewhat good at describing people but I cannot, for the life of me, find the right place to describe them.

God…god do not use direct characterization for personality. It makes me not want to read. Direct is fine for physical details, but never use it for personality unless it is an impertinent character. Indirect characterization allows the author to develop a character without conforming to curtailing guidelines. It is not that anything is bad; it is just a tip for future reference.

If further elaboration is requested I have an example and a succinct explanation ready.

|ThyLuigi|
12-22-2015, 06:29 AM
Decent writing, although I have absolutely no idea what is going to happen and I have no reason to hope that there'll ever be another part, although that's probably because it's 2:00ish am for you.

Anyway, have fun doing this, reminds me of The Man of HBP based on the weird amount of irregularity of Hiro's weird italic parts, and my presumption that this is either somekind of thing where Hiro is extremely old but looks young, or that time travel takes place at some point.

GummiBear64
12-22-2015, 06:32 AM
God…god do not use direct characterization for personality. It makes me not want to read. Direct is fine for physical details, but never use it for personality unless it is an impertinent character. Indirect characterization allows the author to develop a character without conforming to curtailing guidelines. It is not that anything is bad; it is just a tip for future reference.

If further elaboration is requested I have an example and a succinct explanation ready.
Please do elaborate further. I'm somewhat curious as to what type of characterisation I was doing.
I understand it may make me seem a bit uneducated but I've really only ever been taught the way I was doing it.


Decent writing, although I have absolutely no idea what is going to happen and I have no reason to hope that there'll ever be another part, although that's probably because it's 2:00ish am for you.

Anyway, have fun doing this, reminds me of The Man of HBP based on the weird amount of irregularity of Hiro's weird italic parts, and my presumption that this is either somekind of thing where Hiro is extremely old but looks young, or that time travel takes place at some point.

I promise, there will be another part, possibly before two am this time.

|ThyLuigi|
12-22-2015, 06:37 AM
Please do elaborate further. I'm somewhat curious as to what type of characterisation I was doing.
I understand it may make me seem a bit uneducated but I've really only ever been taught the way I was doing it.



I promise, there will be another part, possibly before two am this time.

Ay, I know what direct and indirect characterization is.
Direct characterization is where you go right out and say it, like how Hiro is specifying his dad's height. Indirect characterization is through ways that require thought, such as them doing or saying things that signal a certain characterization, it can also be tied into physical characterization a such as having pale, icy blue eyes or a short, uniform hair style.

IceKane
12-22-2015, 06:37 AM
Cool story. Good luck on the next ones.

iFrostSpark
12-22-2015, 06:38 AM
i need part 2

GummiBear64
12-22-2015, 06:41 AM
Ay, I know what direct and indirect characterization is.
Direct characterization is where you go right out and say it, like how Hiro is specifying his dad's height. Indirect characterization is through ways that require thought, such as them doing or saying things that signal a certain characterization, it can also be tied into physical characterization a such as having pale, icy blue eyes or a short, uniform hair style.

Ok, thanks. So, I have been taught both of them and I usually use indirect but I did not know how to describe his father without using direct characterisation.
From now on, I'll avoid direct characterisation.

|ThyLuigi|
12-22-2015, 06:44 AM
Ok, thanks. So, I have been taught both of them and I usually use indirect but I did not know how to describe his father without using direct characterisation.
From now on, I'll avoid direct characterisation.

Joshie's a better writer than I, he can probably tell you when it's good to use either.

But you should use atleast a little bit in this sorta thing, if you didn't I could never get a picture of what the characters looked like.

JOSHIE63
12-22-2015, 11:28 AM
Joshie's a better writer than I, he can probably tell you when it's good to use either.

But you should use atleast a little bit in this sorta thing, if you didn't I could never get a picture of what the characters looked like.

Oh, of course one must use direct characterization for physical traits. If not, it is extremely hard and usually ends up…strange when one circumnavigates it.

The direct characterization is so choppy. For example, I proofread this in my English class the other day:

"The man accompanying Rainsford was tall and skinny. He was unfeeling and you could see it with every step he made — a cold soul that continued to live without purpose."

There are many, many things technically wrong about hat starting with second person point of view, but that does not set up the character to be very versatile versus the edit I made:

"The many accompanying Rainsford towered over the 5'7" Rainsford, and portrayed a figure so slender he may have been mistaken for a lamp post in the dead of night. 'How long,' Rainsford asked, 'before you return to home.'

Being respectful, the man's expression turned solemn and morose at once. He grimaced, and then uttered, "What little ties I had with those demons I burned in even deeper parts of hell.'"

Notice how that creates a crucial trait without ever saying so. To imply the trait means that the reader will form their own opinion of a character, and not have it laid out as simply — who to like, who not to.

Epicbrick
12-27-2015, 02:56 AM
Does anyone watch heroes?
Sounds like Hiro (I just scanned the story) but without the power to time travel without a machine or anything