PDA

View Full Version : Advice on a Descriptive draft



GTevil
01-11-2016, 04:49 PM
Hello, It's kind of a hobby to write descriptive essays and i would like your opinion about one I've made and how can i improve it.
This is the essay:

Thunder
Trembling, the bed coated me like a blanket. Blindness was my enemy. Fighting back isn’t a good idea, the rough top of the bed scraped my skin off like a dry sheet of sandpaper. Sudden thuds pound my heart to silence. The bed creaks like an old rusted gate, making me feel as collapsed as if I was in a cave during an earthquake. Louder thuds threaten me like a grenade, counting down until it explodes. Peaceful lightning winks at me, as if it’s my only friend showing me my way. Trying to escape, the storm conquered my space, throwing me back into my dark prison.

BOOM! The bed snapped it’s legs falling closer to my body. Thuds so strong they brutally stabbed my heart making me pass out. Loud as a roaring lion, the storm roared “WAKE UP”. Hoping this terror is over, I flashed my eyes open. Then I knew…

My fragile soul torn into pieces. The lighting made horrible faces at me, as horrible as a man skinned alive. The condensation from my breath was enough to drown me. CRACK! The thunder hit the surface above the bed, harshly trembling the floor like a 15 Richter Earthquake. After a moment, everything was silent. As if I was deaf. My muscles eased out, relaxing like sleeping in the clouds. I couldn’t see, but the silence told me I’m safe like a soft angel’s words. Cold, but warm in my heart. Peace was made with the Thunder.

LyveWyre
01-12-2016, 02:15 AM
Hello, It's kind of a hobby to write descriptive essays and i would like your opinion about one I've made and how can i improve it.
This is the essay:

Thunder
Trembling, the bed coated me like a blanket. Blindness was my enemy. Fighting back isn’t a good idea, the rough top of the bed scraped my skin off like a dry sheet of sandpaper. Sudden thuds pound my heart to silence. The bed creaks like an old rusted gate, making me feel as collapsed as if I was in a cave during an earthquake. Louder thuds threaten me like a grenade, counting down until it explodes. Peaceful lightning winks at me, as if it’s my only friend showing me my way. Trying to escape, the storm conquered my space, throwing me back into my dark prison.

BOOM! The bed snapped it’s legs falling closer to my body. Thuds so strong they brutally stabbed my heart making me pass out. Loud as a roaring lion, the storm roared “WAKE UP”. Hoping this terror is over, I flashed my eyes open. Then I knew…

My fragile soul torn into pieces. The lighting made horrible faces at me, as horrible as a man skinned alive. The condensation from my breath was enough to drown me. CRACK! The thunder hit the surface above the bed, harshly trembling the floor like a 15 Richter Earthquake. After a moment, everything was silent. As if I was deaf. My muscles eased out, relaxing like sleeping in the clouds. I couldn’t see, but the silence told me I’m safe like a soft angel’s words. Cold, but warm in my heart. Peace was made with the Thunder.


It is good, but don't focus specifically how descriptive you are JUST so you can display a setting. Of course, show us the setting and such, but express it in a way that makes a reader want to keep reading it. Or, give something a decent amount of importance, should you be looking for that. One final thing...you have way too many periods. It is alright to have a bit extra in a sentence and still receive a dramatic effect, but only when you understand your punctuation properly. Keep working on it.