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PrinceJaron
05-30-2016, 06:14 AM
So, I aspire to be a renowned writer one day. I need someone to tell me what they think about the first chapter of my story. I would appreciate constructive criticism, but only if they are really helpful for me.

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Tales of Diam
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Queen Constance. She rules a kingdom by herself.
Red. A convict that can steal anyone's watch unnoticed.
Rainy. A blind man accompanied by a dog.
Meowth. A trained musketeer.
Jaron. A 3 year old boy who is more ingenuine than anyone.

5 potent beings, 1 mission: kill the indubitably strongest villain in history.

---

-Rainy-

Raindrops drizzled down on me as I trod along the streets of Diam. It was just another rainy night and I sullenly strolled, kicking pebbles as I walked.

"I loathe the rain," I hissed.

---

I watched them trample over my helpless father.

"Stop! Please, stop!" I begged. I didn't know what to do. I was too young to fight against these nefarious men. My eyes began to swell as I screamed for them to halt.

"Rainy..." My father said - more like a whisper, actually.

Darn it. I can't take much of this anymore.

Being the silly boy that I am, I ran for them. They quickly got ahold of me before I can even land a punch.

"Rainy..."

"Stop hurting him! Please!" I begged at them once more, my eyes crying helplessly.

"Rainy...I'm sorry I have to leave you like this."

"Father! Don't leave me!" I tried to break free from their grasp but to no avail. My hands reached out for him. "I need you to stay with me, father! Please! Don't leave me just yet!"

The men laughed as one of them pointed a gun to my father's face.

"NO! NO!" I screamed at the top of my lungs, trying to break free once more.

"I'm so sorry, Rainy. I love you." I watched them bang my father with the gun. The terror in his eyes left me crying in pain.

I yelled as raindrops started to drizzle down on me, my tears utterly hidden by it. They let go of me and I quickly ran for my father. I took his hand, "Father! You can't die yet! I can't live alone yet. Father, I still need you! I still really really need you!"

As his eyelids drooped, I screamed in agony and shook him, "NO! NO! NO! Please, father. Please. I don't want you to leave yet."

"I love you, Rainy." His eyes soon closed. Afraid, shocked, and clueless, I hugged him tightly for the last time and whispered back with tears, "I love you too, father. Goodbye."

I waited for the rain to cease for what seemed like forever. It seemed to never stop.

---
Up until now, that scenario never stopped entering back to my mind. I lived a life of destitution alone, no one with me (not even a single intimate). I was forsaken, my presence utterly evanesced.

I continued walking, my hands inserted in my pants pocket.

My lonely walk was interrupted when I heard a whimper. I listened to the sound carefully, my ears fixedly focused. I ran for it and saw a measly dog trying to push an unconscious mate away from the road. On the other side of the road stood strong a man. He was pointing a gun to the unconscious dog.

No word can utterly describe the horror in the measly dog's eyes. It barked deafeningly as it got into its fighting stance. The man laughed and immediately ran for it. He was surprisingly quick.

The dog was petrified.

My mind suddenly recalled on that horrible moment, the time my father died. I was petrified that time. I tried to fight but to no avail. The dog is presently experiencing the same tragedy. He will be fighting for his loved one but he wouldn't be able to. His mate is going to die and it's going to haunt him forever.

No. No, it won't.

I ran with haste, quickening my every pace. I stood in front of the dog as the man came charging on me with its gun. The bullet hit on me.

As I fell to the cold hard ground, my mind had a flashback on that moment my father saved me from the nefarious men. I wasn't able to help him back.

It was the last thing I ever saw.

I became blind ever since.

---

Vivumdeum
05-30-2016, 06:26 AM
Good Job, I like it so far, you definitely have some talent. In all honestly I wouldn't try to sound too smart, at least not in a book like this.. This seems more like a story/fiction for young adults so if it were me I'd tone it down just a little. I'm happy to give you some more pointers now and/or in the future, I am a self-published ebook author, and guitarist with 3 albums and an Ep on itunes, google play, amazon, spotify, etc (used to be guitar teacher) as well as a finance advisor (& used to be a life insurance agent and had many office jobs..). All I can say is put the amount of effort/heart you did with your book so far into EVERY aspect of life, and you will be amazed at what you can accomplish ;) - Wish you success in all your endeavors!

Adam Faigen
adam@faigen.com

PrinceJaron
05-30-2016, 06:33 AM
Thank you!

I'm planning to self-publish someday, I would LOVE it if you can tell me how you did it.

I think this is going to be for young adults, as it will have a lot of violence.

genpasaporte922
05-30-2016, 06:44 AM
Chapter 1 is good. 9/10.

No criticism is imposed on this reply. :rolleyes:

PrinceJaron
05-30-2016, 07:13 AM
Chapter 1 is good. 9/10.

No criticism is imposed on this reply. :rolleyes:

Thank you!

PrinceJaron
06-02-2016, 11:56 AM
No one else? :cry:

Singapore
06-02-2016, 12:03 PM
What is your wattpad name?

PrinceJaron
06-02-2016, 12:04 PM
What is your wattpad name?

arvin12pascual, but I don't write there anymore. All I have there are some Pokemon fanfictions, and a few of them have lots of grammar mistakes.

KKcupcake
06-02-2016, 12:07 PM
arvin12pascual, but I don't write there anymore. All I have there are some Pokemon fanfictions, and a few of them have lots of grammar mistakes.

wattpad is terrible for writing, use ao3, the content there is a lot better, and there is a much more mature community. i really recommend it,

PrinceJaron
06-02-2016, 12:09 PM
wattpad is terrible for writing, use ao3, the content there is a lot better, and there is a much more mature community. i really recommend it,

My lexicon became almost always fluent because of the cosntructive criticism I get from Wattpaders. I don't know ao3 though, is it a renowned website?

Singapore
06-02-2016, 12:15 PM
arvin12pascual, but I don't write there anymore. All I have there are some Pokemon fanfictions, and a few of them have lots of grammar mistakes.
Okay just wanted to confirm lmao, I see you removed it recently :rolleyes:

Don't open the spoiler if you are easily upset.
7/10. The last part is fine I guess, but:
- You could do with a bit more detail in the first part, some sentences could be longer
- This story screams typical at me
- Some sentences in the last paragraph could be extended

Do note that I haven't been reading wattpad stories, so my standards could be a bit high.

MagestyGT
06-02-2016, 12:21 PM
Loved the story 1st chapter 9/10. Two questions what year does this story take place, and tell me about the setting.

PrinceJaron
06-02-2016, 12:23 PM
Okay just wanted to confirm lmao, I see you removed it recently :rolleyes:

Don't open the spoiler if you are easily upset.
7/10. The last part is fine I guess, but:
- You could do with a bit more detail in the first part, some sentences could be longer
- This story screams typical at me
- Some sentences in the last paragraph could be extended

Do note that I haven't been reading wattpad stories, so my standards could be a bit high.

I removed what?

You wouldn't be saying typical soon enough, just you wait. Teehee.

I still have trouble describing. I don't like it if it's too descriptive and also if it's too plain. I want to be adequate and just right, and so far, I'm still not able to do that.

- - - Updated - - -


Loved the story 1st chapter 9/10. Two questions what year does this story take place, and tell me about the setting.

The title mentions the place, but I see no point as to telling the year? I don't know. Is it...necessary?

xlightswitch
06-02-2016, 12:27 PM
It's nice, although I would appreciate it if it was written in paragraphs instead of a script-like form. Also, you can shorten the amount of dialogues by expressing it. Here's an example.

"You need to die, and I will be the last person you will see before you go to hell!" Charles threatened Alex, with rage building up inside him.

This can be expressed rather than said in a dialogue. Like this.

His face turning red and his veins popping out of his arms, Charles made sure that he will put an end to Alex's life.

PrinceJaron
06-02-2016, 12:29 PM
It's nice, although I would appreciate it if it was written in paragraphs instead of a script-like form.

It is written in paragraphs. :scratch:

Script-like form is like this:

PrinceJaron: Hi
xlightswitch: Hello.

Singapore
06-02-2016, 12:31 PM
I removed what?

You wouldn't be saying typical soon enough, just you wait. Teehee.

I still have trouble describing. I don't like it if it's too descriptive and also if it's too plain. I want to be adequate and just right, and so far, I'm still not able to do that.

- - - Updated - - -



The title mentions the place, but I see no point as to telling the year? I don't know. Is it...necessary?

I found this story on Google, but when I clicked on it I couldn't open it lmao.

xlightswitch
06-02-2016, 12:33 PM
It is written in paragraphs. :scratch:

Script-like form is like this:

PrinceJaron: Hi
xlightswitch: Hello.
Oh. Okay.

Also, I was editing my reply because I was adding something in. Check it out. :^)

PrinceJaron
06-02-2016, 12:38 PM
I found this story on Google, but when I clicked on it I couldn't open it lmao.

What's the title? I have removed some stories because they were too on hold for a long time.

- - - Updated - - -


Oh. Okay.

Also, I was editing my reply because I was adding something in. Check it out. :^)

But wouldn't that change the scene? Since he's not saying it anymore...?

- - - Updated - - -


Oh. Okay.

Also, I was editing my reply because I was adding something in. Check it out. :^)

Although, I do think this will be helpful for me to use one day. Thank you. :hat:

xlightswitch
06-02-2016, 12:48 PM
What's the title? I have removed some stories because they were too on hold for a long time.

- - - Updated - - -



But wouldn't that change the scene? Since he's not saying it anymore...?

- - - Updated - - -



Although, I do think this will be helpful for me to use one day. Thank you. :hat:
I've learned in school to 'show and not tell'. However, it is also important to add in dialogue into your stories. Just not too much up to the point that the whole story is filled with dialogues.

PrinceJaron
06-02-2016, 01:50 PM
I've learned in school to 'show and not tell'. However, it is also important to add in dialogue into your stories. Just not too much up to the point that the whole story is filled with dialogues.

I don't think "show, don't tell" is appropriate for dialogues. It's only appropriate to something like this.

Show: The boy was hurt.
Tell: The boy yelled loudly in pain, tears soon came rolling down to his cheeks.

Just my opinion.

xlightswitch
06-02-2016, 02:22 PM
I don't think "show, don't tell" is appropriate for dialogues. It's only appropriate to something like this.

Show: The boy was hurt.
Tell: The boy yelled loudly in pain, tears soon came rolling down to his cheeks.

Just my opinion.
What I meant was:

Show = Expression
Tony bled as he cries out for help.

Tell = Dialogue
"Help! I am bleeding!" Tony cried.

MagestyGT
06-03-2016, 07:28 PM
I removed what?

You wouldn't be saying typical soon enough, just you wait. Teehee.

I still have trouble describing. I don't like it if it's too descriptive and also if it's too plain. I want to be adequate and just right, and so far, I'm still not able to do that.

- - - Updated - - -



The title mentions the place, but I see no point as to telling the year? I don't know. Is it...necessary?

At first I was thinking of a medieval time period, but then there were guns.

PrinceJaron
06-10-2016, 06:11 PM
At first I was thinking of a medieval time period, but then there were guns.

Hmm. Okay, I'll find one part of the story to tell the time. Thank you for the suggestion.