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sickipedia
04-11-2014, 02:30 AM
The hospital's consulting dietician was giving a lecture to several community nurses from the Southampton area of Hampshire.

'The rubbish we put into our stomachs and consume should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is terrible. Fizzy drinks attack your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with msg. Vegetables can be disastrous because of fertilisers and pesticides and none of us realises the long-term damage being done by the rotten bacteria in our drinking water. However, there is one food that is incredibly dangerous and we all have, or will, eat it at some time in our lives.

Now, is anyone here able to tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'

A 65-year-old nursing sister sitting in the front row stood up and said, 'Wedding cake.'

sickipedia
04-11-2014, 02:31 AM
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.

'Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.'

Watson replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What does that tell you?'

good jokeWatson ponders for a minute.' Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. 'Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent.'

Moxide
04-11-2014, 02:32 AM
hmm kden...

This should be in RTSoft Tavern.

It's a good joke, just not aboot Growtopia.



kden

sickipedia
04-11-2014, 02:37 AM
A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, 'Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.'

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, 'No he didn't. He just walked in the door.'

sickipedia
04-11-2014, 02:38 AM
The building is all completed and awaiting hand over, before that can happen the Alex wants some poor and incomplete work finished as is normal at these times.

A meeting is arranged between Alex, the main contractor and a sub-contractor, site agent, planning supervisor and site safety manager. A tour is planned of the building to look at relevant defects starting on ground floor. Alex points out badly fitting window frames, the site agent makes some notes and the sub-contractor goes to the window and shouts,

'Green side up.'

They move to the first floor and Alex points out badly fitted and missing lights, the site agent makes some notes and the sub-contractor goes to the window and shouts,

'Green side up.'

On the 2nd floor more problems are highlighted, radiator leaking, exposed cables, waste and broken window frame, the site agent makes some notes and the sub-contractor goes to the window and shouts,

'Green side up.'

This is too much. The safety manager has to ask. So he says, 'Every time you are told a defect tell, you write it down, but then the subbie yells out the window

'Green side up.' What on earth does that mean?'

The sub-contractor shakes his head ruefully and says, 'I have four blokes laying turf around the building.'

Zfert
04-11-2014, 02:39 AM
u need to stahp

sickipedia
04-11-2014, 02:40 AM
1) A linguistics professor was lecturing his class one day.

'In English', he said, 'A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.'

A loud voice from the back of the room piped up, 'Yeah, right.'

2) Robert went to his lawyer and said, 'I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it.' The lawyer smiled at Robert and replied, 'Not a problem, leave it all to me.'

Robert looked somewhat upset and said, 'Well, I knew you were going to take a big portion, but I would like to leave a little to my family too!'

3) Two lawyers arrive at the pub and ordered a couple of drinks. They then take sandwiches from their briefcases and began to eat.

Seeing this, the angry publican approaches them and says, 'Excuse me, but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!'

The two look at each other, shrug and exchange sandwiches.

4) Brenda and Terry are going out for the evening. The last thing they do is put their cat out.

The taxi arrives, and as the couple walk out of the house, the cat scoots back in.

Terry returns inside to chase it out. Brenda, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explains to the taxi driver, 'My husband is just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.'

Several minutes later, an exhausted Terry arrives and climbs back into the taxi saying, 'Sorry I took so long, the stupid idiot was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger several times before I could get her to come out!' Good jokes

5) A policeman spotted a jay walker and decided to challenge him, 'Why are you trying to cross here when there's a zebra crossing only 20 metres away?'

'Well,' replied the jay walker, 'I hope it's having better luck than me.'

Zfert
04-11-2014, 02:40 AM
i can google, copy, paste, and post jokes in the wrong sub forum too :0

Boomer
04-11-2014, 06:03 PM
These jokes suck.

Dodo Wizard
04-11-2014, 06:09 PM
The hospital's consulting dietician was giving a lecture to several community nurses from the Southampton area of Hampshire.

'The rubbish we put into our stomachs and consume should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is terrible. Fizzy drinks attack your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with msg. Vegetables can be disastrous because of fertilisers and pesticides and none of us realises the long-term damage being done by the rotten bacteria in our drinking water. However, there is one food that is incredibly dangerous and we all have, or will, eat it at some time in our lives.

Now, is anyone here able to tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'

A 65-year-old nursing sister sitting in the front row stood up and said, 'Wedding cake.'

Red meat? Why is it terrible? I prefer my meat rare. Fizzy drinks attack stomach lining? I rarely drink soda.
Chinese food loaded with crap? Yeah, I know. Vegetables grown with GMOs? We all know.
Rotten drinking water? I use a filter. Wedding cake? What differentiates wedding cake between regular cake?

optimuswhat
04-11-2014, 07:08 PM
A man walks into Toys 'R' Us.
"I want a gun." He asks.
The employee says "We don't sell firearms here."
"Yes you do." He replied.
The employee then walked into the back room, and returns with a Pancor Jackhammer.
"Here you are, sir!" Said the employee gleefully.

The customer never lies, they say.

[Goldshard]
04-11-2014, 07:13 PM
u need to keep going

Why do you say that?